I’ve never been someone who leans much on the “private” side of life. I was completely open or at least I was until a lot of things changed, negatively, in my life. I went from being a completely open book to no one could know anything about my life. I shut so many people out of my life simply because it was so much easier to not have to reopen and explain every bad thing that was happening in my life. I had fought so hard for something that crumbled apart right in front of me, leaving me feeling defeated and undesirable. I didn’t want to continue pouring all my energy and thoughts in something negative that was defeating me day in and day out. For months I kept to myself about my divorce. It took me almost a year to even say anything to my own parents. I went from being a stay at home mom, to a full-time employee in a town where I had no family or even really any friends. Being a stay at home mom had made it hard for me to meet new people & develop friendships over the years. I should have probably gone to a therapist to help me deal with my divorce but shutting down entirely just seemed like a better idea at the time. I went through a divorce while suffering from anxiety/depression, being a full-time mother to 2 children and having a full-time job. I didn’t really have much time to even think about my problems until my head hit my pillow at night. That’s when everything would come rushing to me, emotion wise, and sometimes it would feel like I was drowning. Yet I would shove it down and rise again in the morning acting like everything was going to be fine, because you gotta fake it until you make it right?
At the lowest point in my life I found out who I really was. I also found out who my real friends were, not the fake types that pretend to check in every few weeks with that fake “aw miss you” bullshit. Not a lot of people can find peace in the pain, but I wasn’t going to let this struggle change me for the worse. Suffering from anxiety/depression is no joke and I am not at all suggesting you do it alone or without medication. Every person is different, and this is just me sharing how I dealt with it. I’m not saying it was the healthiest option, but it worked for me. (side note: if you ever feel like you need someone to confide in who won’t judge you, I’m always here to listen)
I threw myself into so many different hobbies I almost exhausted myself trying to keep my mind busy. My favorite became hiking and when that wasn’t enough to exhaust me I started running the damn trails. I would exhaust my body, so my mind couldn’t even consider overthinking, and while that was great for my physical appearance, it wasn’t good for my overall mental health. I soon became angry at everyone and everything. I realized that not dealing with my overthinking was causing me to hold resentment I didn’t realize I was holding in the first place. I kept my hiking hobby but started pairing it with journaling, which helped my anger ease up TONS. It’s not my fault that things in life turned out the way they did & I have no control over the cards I’m dealt, just with how I deal with them.
I’m a little bit more open about things now since time has healed some of the wounds. Choosing to stay on the positive side of things has paid off for me immensely. Going through the worst storm of my life has brought me out the other side with sunshine & rainbows, something I thought would never happen. Sometimes I have the most cynical outlook on life, so for me to fight for the positive aspect isn’t always an easy task. I still struggle with it and have my bad days where I have to take a second to go “ok damn Kayla you gotta chill“. Fighting through my anxiety attacks and periods of depression have just made me so much stronger (and wiser).
As time goes on, more and more pieces of the story will reveal themselves. I claim to not ever give a shit what anyone thinks, but JUST like everyone else I have such an instinct to not be judged. It’s hard for me to just rip the band aid off 100% & let people in like I used to. I am however so grateful for the people who found me at my worst, and stayed, helping me while I rebuilt myself back up. I don’t know what I did to get such amazing people in my life, but I’ll never take them for granted that’s for damn sure.